Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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