I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
