Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
How's work?
Spinning.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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