I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
well you can't waste a boner
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
