does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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