when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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