Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
