She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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