My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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