I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
