Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
