I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
