Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
