3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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