fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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