They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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