I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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