theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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