Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
