Little spoons don't ask big questions
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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