Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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