I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
