the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We don't watch enough power rangers
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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