i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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