Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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