if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
