I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Even the bartender felt bad for me
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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