dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
