The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
