I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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