I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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