If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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