five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
