life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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