Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
