My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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