I looked at my own cervix.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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