I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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