You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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