apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
