This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
