is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Send help, water and tortillas.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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