allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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