So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize