Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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