Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize