Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
