he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
