did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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