I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
