Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
