shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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