I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
