that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
