I can text with my tongue
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
