I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize