What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
