This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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