I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he shaved USA in his pubs
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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