Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
