I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
