I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
