and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
