she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
