I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
