So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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