i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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