Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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