Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
