I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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