WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
