Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
