honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
