You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
