i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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